The Hardest Day - Thursday October 9, 2013

Friends,

I started writing this email a few days ago, and then without warning, my device just stopped. The draft wasn't even saved, and all my words and emotions and thoughts were lost.

It might have been for the best to be honest, because I wasn't really in a polite frame of mind when I first sat down.

Not that I will be able to gloss over my feelings now either, but I will put a little more effort into my word choice.

 

In about four hours I will be at a funeral for a thirty years old mother of three. TODAY will be the hardest day of my life - without a question!

I grew up with Kristen and her family as part of my regular social life. Our parents are close friends and we regularly saw each other at church and then often on weekends also for family get togethers or summer time bbq's.

There's a whole slew of us that have lived alongside one another from the time we were first born, because our parents had been friends since they were teenagers themselves.

Now, the group has grown so incredibly big, with grandchildren in the picture, that we'd need a hall to fit us all in!

 

Having moved to Ottawa over fourteen years ago, I had definitely fallen out of the niche this community offers. Im probably closer to my parents' friends now than I am to their children who are my age, simply because time, distance and young children make it hard to keep close. I get it, and I understand it.

But that doesn't nullify this deep deep pain of loss.

 

When I was seventeen I started youth ministry at my church in Edmonton. I spent the first year out of high school mentoring five girls I had grown up with, but were young enough to still be in jr. high and have need of a youth leader. I LOVED IT; and I loved the girls. I had known all of them since they were born anyway, but this was now a time for us to do silly things on retreats and conventions and to laugh ourselves to sleep in hotel rooms or camp dorms.

Kristen was one of these girls.

 

All five of these girls are now grown, married and have children of their own. I learn about their lives through my parents and vice versa.

Three years ago Kristen's mother in law died of cancer in a very short time. It was a shock. Shortly after, Kristen, pregnant with her third little boy, was diagnosed with the same cancer if you can believe it! They gave her a year, two at most if they started chemo immediately.
She refused treatment until Lincoln was born and opted instead to do a natural medicine route that is not practiced in Canada.
More than a year into her diagnosis, she was thriving. Though the medical reports continued to come back saying she was getting worse and the cancer was spreading, you would have never known that she was even sick. She was still at home, caring for her boys, writing and singing about Jesus.

She held to a promise that God would heal her and she lived that testimony to the fullest.

 

As time continued however, the cancer leeched into all of her body. She was fighting tumors in her brain as well as throughout her body. Chemo and radiation were began, and she slowly became susceptible to infections.

Two weeks ago she went into the hospital with pneumonia and never came out. She went to meet Jesus last Friday morning.

 

Some may think that her death shouts that God is silent. And for a while I wanted to believe that also. I wanted to blame Him for His inaction. I wanted to scream at Him that He broke His promise to her and let her die prematurely. And while I still haven't reconciled myself to her death, I have captured something: Kristen lived her life in absolute faith of Jesus Christ. It wasn't a faith that depended upon her healing or upon her life lasting for eighty years. She chose to believe that God was sovereign and Lord inspite of what was happening in her body.

 

I honor her by choosing the same.

Today at her funeral, you know what I look forward to the most?

Worshipping!

Kristen was a worshipper. Her life was a song of glorification to her Savior.

And last night, as I sat in silence at the airport, exhausted from a long day and time change, I began to listen to worship music.

I do not have the answers.

I do not have a solid explanation that would help you understand.

But I have an assurance, a confidence. One that defies reason. And in that I CHOOSE to hold.

God is GOOD - even in the darkest, ugliest moments of life.

 

Pray for the family today. Kristen's boys are all under five. Her husband ... I can't even imagine what he's going through right now.
Pray for them all. Pray for her dad who has lost his baby girl. Her mom and her sister who have lost a best friend.

 

There's no words to say that will make this day easier, so don't feel you have to write back. My mind probably wont be able to respond to anything that comes through this inbox today, so just take a moment, instead of writing, to simply pray!

 

With Love,

meLissa