Reflecting on a Thanksgiving Weekend

Reflections on a Thanksgiving Weekend

I've been meaning to write a follow up email since last Thursday's quick morning note regarding Kristen's memorial service. But instead, I've sort of wallowed in the taskless weekend with my parents and got a lot of sleep. Not that I mind in the least putting my mind to focus and coming up with a way to describe to you the beautiful day Thursday was, but I also know that putting my mind to focus means feeling pain.

And, it was during the memorial service that I first realized I've done a wonderful job of running from pain for six months. I've pushed aside my frustrations over the current plight of my entire life (namely, singleness) and instead just sifted through the shallow waters of menial tasks. That's not to say I haven't had some exceptional conversations and times spent with friends. Its just that in my own personal time, in my prayer life, my church attendance life and pretty much anything related-God life, I've been going through the motions for sure!

It took attending Kristen's beautiful life celebration service for me to recognize the depths to which I had allowed myself to drop the ball.
While Kristen faced death, and continued to choose day after day to honor and worship Christ despite her physical pain and the unknown future, I ran from God because I was tired of hoping for better things that just never showed up how I wanted them to.
Im not facing death - and never have to my knowledge. Im not in any sort of crisis that would justify my blatant disregard for friendships or world justice. I've just chosen to be angry with my life situation and make it God's fault.
Its been the small things of compromise that maybe you can't see, but I know are screaming at me with vengeance saying, "Do you really believe what you're subtly living? Do you really want to make these choices?"
I hope in fact, you have been oblivious to these compromises, because Im embarrassed of them. But at the same time, if you have seen nothing much different from me or in me over the last six months, God forgive me for knowing how to go through the motions so well!

I made a choice Thursday morning when I wrote my previous note, that I was going to dive head first into worship during the service. I didn't even make it to the service to start. Yes, worship for me is often characterized by singing to Christ, but its actually more than that. I spent the first four hours of the morning at the church prepping for the luncheons for both services (one family, one public). I didn't even  stop to sit once until it was time to go to my seat. Service is an act of worship also.
When Kristen's mom came into quickly say hi to all of her friends helping set up the reception, I broke down in tears. I immediately knew, there was no way I could have missed this day and still managed to carry on with my act of "Christian ease"

There is something powerful to be found in community. Or, as my friend Kate says, "her village" There's no expectation to like everyone in that community, but when all hearts are mourning together, there is a power and a strength that makes you realize you dont want to live without it, even in the face of personalities that drive you batty!

I cried through the entire service. From the time Mike (her husband) walked in carrying their oldest son (Beckett), I never stopped crying. And not just a quiet tears falling down my cheeks sort of cry. I cried the "ugly cry" of sobbing and shaking and sniffling. Only I was trying to be quiet and not distract from the beauty taking place in celebrating Kristen, so I had to choke back a lot of sobs and hold my breath til I composed myself numerous times. I'd grabbed a wad of kleenex from the box in the car before I'd left that morning and I was tearing through them like they were vapor, unable to catch the flow of joy and pain rushing from my eyes. I finally gave up trying to catch them and instead worked on pulling off my mascara so as not to have streaks. It was a better idea for sure!

Kristen's funeral was well attended. 1300+ people in attendance. As I mentioned last time her story had been covered by the news here in Edmonton so there were a few public faces (ones I would never have recognized) and many people who had just followed her story through the television.
But, as I sat there, completely broken, and yet finding my own heart healing as well, I recognized the greatest guest of all was Christ Himself.

As Kristen's dad said to us after, "Kristen would have wanted the service to honor Christ, and we wanted to honor her. It was a perfect blend"
From the specifically chosen worship songs, proclaiming the babe born in a manger (yes indeed there was a Christmas carol sung), to her own sister miraculously holding it together to play piano and sing the favorite song between them, to the worship leader breaking down for nearly thirty seconds before the congregational sing - and at just the right time to to make sure the flow of the service didn't wash over the impact of the sister's tribute. We all sat in silence while the worship leader attempted to compose herself three times and the words of Kennedy lingered in our ears. To the final song - sung by her entire extended family: cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents included:
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above the heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen"
Every single moment of the hour and a half service brought your attention to Christ Jesus, by honoring a woman who chose to love Him faithfully and passionately to the very very end of her earthly life.
I can't remember ever being in such a beautiful environment. Not that I wish to experience this sort of loss ever again. But the trade off, somehow, in the end, was worth it.

Kristen lived her life honoring God despite her pain and her loss and her lack of understanding as to what was happening in her body. She chose to believe in a bigger good that required her to lose her life.
Oh that I would live the same.
Oh that my life would reflect the same.
Oh that we all would understand the love of Christ that is so wide, so deep, so high and so long, that it can not be explained and leaves other baffled in the face of death and suffering.

Our God is Good. Undeniably. And I know, that I know, that I know, that His good is at work in my life, in spite of what I might feel or experience or believe about my own current circumstances.

Surely, if Kristen could see that Goodness, morning by morning, certainly I owe it to her memory to attempt the same.

"Praise God, from whom all blessings DO FLOW!"

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!