I Wish Life Had Easy Answers....

...If it did, then it is very likely that I would not be sitting here in front of my computer screen on a Saturday night, eyes wrung dry from crying for the last week, body simply worn through from lack of sleep and emotions numb.

But, as we all know, life does not have easy answers. And if it did, Im not sure we would be better off. Would we learn anything? Gain anything? Be any better off? Would I be the person I am today if life had given me all that I had ever asked for or dreamed of?

Though I know the answer is NOT A CHANCE, it still doesnt make the events of this last week any easier to cope with. Knowing that its the tough times that refine us and give us a chance to better reflect the God of Glory within us, certainly does not make it any less painful to endure them.

For the sake of privacy of those who are part of my pain, I cannot actually give detail to the events of this last week and the struggles I've had to face.  I dont want to point a finger at anyone, or make reference to the choices made for good or bad. Besides, the last thing I want to do is to make this a comparison game where you listen to my sad story, and then tell me yours and we swap tears back and forth. That wont really get us anywhere in the end anyway.

But, as I've shut a lot of people out this past week, and have also leaned heavily on others, I do want to at least share my pain with you. I find comfort in words. In processing out loud, on paper, and pulling back the covers on the despair that seeks to swallow me if I dare stay silent. The Bible says that we are Overcomers by the Blood of the Lamb (Jesus) and the Word of our Testimony (the story of my pain).

So, in order that I might strive to overcome, and in order that you might one day, tomorrow or years from now, glean hope and strength and companionship from my own struggles, I offer you a view behind the scenes.

In the last couple of weeks I've been in Ottawa on "vacation" visiting friends and catching up with some special people. I have in the past been cautioned about my vulnerability to stretch myself too thin, but I do not know how to manage that well. People are my passion. Every person I know holds value and worth to me. I want to be able to pour into everyone as much as I can. I tend to hold this mindset that if I dont do all I can do for everyone, I will somehow fail .

"Fail who? Fail what?" As if God has this ridiculous expectation on me to do His job.  That is, loving the whole world.

But I am still often bound by this audacious self imposed expectation. I want people to see the love of Christ through me and have them know that they are so very very important. They are worth His very life!

Yet, then, as is the human tendency when we try to play god ourselves, I get tired. I get irritable, and cranky. I become short with people and less kind in my responses. I grow weak and tend to miss opportunities, or I get so worn out that the only choice I have is to let people down by cancelling. I feel I fail at showing people that I love and care for them because I havent taken care of myself first. Thats when I start to see that this "messiah complex" is not really helping anyone. Im not god - and thank goodness Im not.

In the last week, Ive been thrown several curve balls. Not just one or two, but three, four, five; one after the other. There seems to be no end. And in the midst of trying to balance my visits and seeing people and pouring into them,  I find that Im weary and broken. I cant hold it together anymore. An honest confession: if I couldve hid in bed all this week, I wouldve. I just didnt want to deal with my own life; with the cards Id been dealt. They arent the cards I want. "Hey God, can we do a re-deal?"

His answer.... another curve ball, again, this morning!

And that is where I am this evening. Looking at the cards in my hand, replaying the curve balls thrown to me throughout the week past. And Ive thought a lot about Robin Williams too. And Ive wondered about the darkness he mustve faced in order for him to take his own life. When I first heard the news, I was heartbroken. Didn't anyone tell him about Jesus?

Because Jesus can heal anyone.

Jesus can heal any broken situation, any broken dream, any broken heart.....

Hmmmm....Wait.One.Second. Do I really believe that?

Its interesting how Im so quick to preach that for someone elses struggle. I can look at anything anyone else is going through, and KNOW with assured certainty that Jesus CAN solve their hurt, pain, dilemma and crisis.
But, how am I letting Jesus infiltrate my darkness? How am I allowing Him to lift ME up out of the dirt, out of this muddy dreary place Ive fallen to? Have I chosen to let Jesus give me hope despite all Ive faced this week?

Friends, I might not be able to see each of you on this visit. Or on the next. Or, ever again. I might not be able to drive home to Nova Scotia in your dark moment and give you the hug I long to give. I might not be able to fly myself across the world to give you the courage to face the accusations against you. I might not be able to restore the thing that mattered most to me.
Life restricts me from being who I want to be for you. I cant be your savior. And I realize youve never asked me to. But for some bizarre reason, I feel like Im suppose to solve all your problems, rather than point you to my Savior Himself.
I want to take away your pain, take away your struggle. I want to make life easier for you, because I know what it is to struggle through ugly messiness.

 How did I get to this place that Ive missed sight of pointing you to the Answer and have instead tried to be the answer?

I end this post by asking for your forgiveness. I want you to see Jesus in me, and find your Source in Him alone; not in me. I want you to turn to Him and call out to Him, and find Him sitting with you in your loneliness and in your ache. If I  could, I would be there with you. But I dont want to replace Him.
I know myself well enough to admit I cant do anything to help you. I can only offer you a listening ear, and point you to the very one, the only one, who can pull you up and put you on your feet again. Ive struggled all week to put this truth into practice. And I know that its true, or else I wouldnt be sitting here tonight able to promise you that He is for real. He can actually do all He says He can!

Earlier in the week when I was having a particularly lonely day, a friend of mine sent me something I wrote several months ago. You might have seen it on Facebook, because it was a huge encouragement for me. But regardless, I close by reaffirming what I once wrote when life was a whole lot less painful. The words are still true. And they still offer me hope and comfort. May they do the same for you:

       A wise young woman, who I admire greatly, once wrote, "...living alongside Christ is not always easy. There are days I want to scream at Him and if He were near enough, Id beat my fists on His chest. But I delight in knowing that not only will He continue to embrace me in these moments, I would never want to be anywhere else than in His arms."

Friends, when all is said and done, here is the last word: worship in reverence the one True God...(Ecc 12:13).

Bless you.