The Foggy Post

I have no appetite, which is a crazy symptom. I love food. I love cooking food. Sure, some days I dont want to cook at all, but for the most part, I will still make something simple. I will usually wake up thinking about what I feel like eating. But I dont feel like eating anything. There is nothing of interest, despite food in plenty, in the kitchen.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I'd say it was a 3. My mood was sullen. I didn't have any motivation, though I did get around to doing things in spurts. My back hurt severe.  Now, given that I have an ongoing back and hamstring problem, that doesn't surprise me. However, I could barely move, so I chose not to!

I kept analyzing myself all day, wondering if this would be a plague for the rest of my life. Wondering if any man would bother with me if I took these fits of darkness. Wondering how I was going to ever manage to be a mom on these sort of days. I compared it a lot to having a cold or the flu; remembering Lori managing twins while facing a migraine or something that just sucks the life out of you.

I didnt come to any sort of conclusion, or gain answers. There are hundreds of women who suffer from some form of depression that live in our world and they accomplish much. They dont just sit and wither. I want to be that woman. I recognize there will be difficult days and I guess the challenge is to just face them head on.

How can you explain to someone who doesnt know what its like to be fighting an internal battle. And though it doesnt really manifest itself in a physical sense, it feels like your inside is trying to destroy your outside.

I know its mostly in my head, but the attack feels physical. There is no particular place within where the pain comes from. Its just there, all over. Like its carried in my cells or in my blood or something. I cant properly explain it. All I know is that its debilitating.

I look back on life before I accepted the medication, and I see how bad at times it got. I remember the summer of 2008 and being in Edmonton working at Second Cup and house sitting for friends and trying to visit others. They were all worried about me, and I see it in myself now. I was a mess. I was a complete disaster. And I focused a lot on my circumstances: my job, my finances, my future. To me it was a huge spiritual battle because I felt like I was up against and unseen force of evil. Little did I realize that the evil was within me; slowly soaking my strength and stealing my sanity.

It took me three more years before I came to accept the need for medication. I just didnt understand and the stereotype of anti depressants was just so bad. I do remember trying meds in NS in Spring 2009, but they didnt seem to do much to help. But then I consider I was getting ready to transition back to Ottawa. My transient lifestyle is a great mask for what lurks deep inside me. I am an experience junkie, and the excitement of an upcoming change tends to keep the darkness at bay. Its not until I start to gain a proper and healthy routine that I notice there is something severely wrong within me.

Thats why it took me until mid January this year to recognize the symptoms had returned.

I went off my meds sometime in November, because a friend casually said to me one day, "Its time you get off your meds too..." Immediately the social stigma of being on anti depressants cowered me and I quit that day. I can do this I told myself,  Im strong enough now to fight through.
December is a full write off. Im pretty sure anyone can agree, for multiple reasons. Christmas in N.America is energy and time and money sapping. Weve completely destroyed the essence of the holiday and weve got ourselves entangled in some ridiculous unhealthy fanfare. We have parties to celebrate one another, and the end of another "successful" year, and yet we are all dragging our feet and covering the dark circles under our eyes because weve taken on way too much to properly enjoy any of it.

Right after Christmas, I went on a cleanse. My body doesnt respond well to processed food chuck full of preservatives. So, I started a cleanse of cabbage soup. It didnt take long for me to see that I was depleting my body of essential vitamins in the midst of this cleanse, and I was very irritable.

Proteins and carbs are a very important part of our daily living: everything in moderation.

So, by taking out both, I basically became impossible to live with - and thats me feeling impossible with myself. I was going out of my mind. But I pressed on - for health reasons (how does THAT make sense?). And after the cabbage soup cleanse came the juicing program, which also amplified the disaster taking place internally. I blamed it on the food for twelve days, until I didnt have the will power anymore.

Finally one day I just ate. I ate bacon and eggs for dinner Sunday night, because thats what my grandparents do. And the next morning I felt much better. Much more balanced and human. I didnt want to rip everyones head off!!!! I preached the importance of balanced diet, and thought all my problems were solved.

However, it was less than a week before I recognized that I still didnt have my head out of the gloomy cloud. I was still struggling. And it was then that I finally began to see that my symptoms of "depression" had returned. I needed my meds!

I hate the term "depression"

We have really done a disservice to our society by calling it that. Im not "sad" nor am I "unhappy or despairing about life"

Of COURSE there are things Id like to change, but when Im having a dark day, its not my circumstances I want to change. Its whats going on inside me that I need to change. Its like when you have the flu, or malaria, or when kids have chicken pox. Its painful, and all you want is for it to end. You know it should end soon, but in the moment, it just consumes. However, unlike the flu or chicken pox, this "depression" causes you to wonder if it will ever end. And the longer it goes unchecked, uncared for, the more you begin to consider all the other facets of life and slowly start to feel hopeless.

Im not hopeless. I have a million things to be thankful for. Some days I fight with God and wonder if He has forgotten me because another year has passed and this definitely isnt the life I would have chosen for myself. Or I am angry because people die, women remain barren, children starve on one side of the planet while others throw away the foods they dont like. BUT, in all of these moments and in all of my reality, I still have way more to be happy with and to enjoy and to love and to laugh about. Im not "depressed" as we traditionally associate the word.

I have a disease. Is that okay to call it that? I cant think of any other way to put it. Maybe I could call it a virus instead. But I have begun to see that its one that will be with me for the rest of my life - not something that comes and goes and mutates, like a cold or the flu or bronchitis. So, disease it is. And as such, I have to approach my future with an honest evaluation that there will be days when I am just not up to par. And when I say par, I mean my own standard.

Thats another thing that Im learning, and want to share: I can't let society or my community or even my closest friends determine what is expected of me. I know myself well enough to be my own worst critic. I will gladly accept support, correction and encouragement. But 'par' for me is not the same as 'par' for Clara Hughes or any other person who has struggled with a mental health issue.

Par for me is accepting that its winter in Canada. I had forgotten the extreme toll this season takes on my mental and physical state (having been in Africa last winter).

I am also living in a rural community where some days (like today) its just not feasible nor safe to get out of the driveway and on to the roads. Being housebound sounds appealing until its going on day five. Then I have to dig deep and force myself to bundle up and fight against my own self to go visit people.

Im also caring for my beautiful grandparents who are aging and slowing down considerably, and that too takes an invisible emotional toll.

When I express that Im content with my life, its not a "power of positive thinking" sort of comment. Its an honest admission of where I am at right now. Sometimes it just takes me a bit of analyzing before I can weed out the fleshy sort of humanistic longings and see my life for what it really is. My medication balance is a daily work in progress. And some times I will have low days. Some days I wont sleep well at night so I will want to sleep all day. Some days my arms will feel weak and I wont have much muscle strength to get on the tredmill or lift the weights to work out. That is my reality: I have a disease that attempts to steal the joy of my tremendously blessed life. And some days the fight to win against the disease will just be harder than others. Today the battle is easier, which is why Im finally getting around to write this long overdue post! 

Off to watch the Olympics! Go Canada Go!!!!